Monday, December 29, 2008

The Jesus in George Marshall

The Individual: An assemblage of fragments artificially brought together by the mind in a "unity" which cannot stand up to examination.

(Friedrich Nietzsche)

I'm having one of those deeply suspicious days wherein I don't believe anything anymore, and all is suspect. It feels as if some wrong turn has been taken. A single misstep which has disturbed the trajectory of my journey, and I find myself out to sea. Thinking causes headaches, deep breaths make me cough, and the pain in my shoulder will not relent.

August Strindberg was haunted by the scent of celery, and I find myself hounded by the pungent odor of leeks. Are you aware of the onion-like heart of the leek, which makes the eyes tear more than any onion ever could. It is a terror, the leek. And I cannot determine if the scent is seeping out of me, out of my very pores, or if it follows like a fog. How can One be sure?

I am in a panic!

A fervor!

Gregor Samsa awoke one morning to find himself transformed into a disgusting creature.... some sort of bug. I am trying to take it easy. The universe seems to have something in store for us. Something crazy.

I must get organized!

I must go home, clean my house, scrub the corners, file the papers, and do the laundry.

I will make a list of priorities which begins:

1) CALM DOWN

Here is the situation:

Upon waking one morning I found the following note pinned to the lapel of my pajamas:

Marie Antoinette died with a mouthful of jism, sprayed forth from the pecker of a most talented man. A musical genius, whose work was suppressed for fear of a world-wide spiritual liberation. His name was George Marshall, and he was a man of unknown racial origin, an orphan: found in Egypt, raised in Greece, exiled to France. Had a torrid love affair with Missus Antoinette, before her untimely demise. Just before, in fact. She died with a mouthful of his eternal artistic legacy. He disappeared shortly afterwards. I fear it was the Goons.

I believe it is in Plexus that George Marshall first appeared, at least in my conscious experience. Henry Miller has a childhood friend that he is identical to. They were bosom buddies and they both got sick and he spent some time living out in the country with George. Then something changed and he who was once his friend became his nemesis. The coin flipped and they were opposites. George Marshall became his enemy. This is all that I can recall of the episode.

The root of their conflict was, of course, a woman. One that Henry was idealizing, and George Marshall was not one to idealize. He thought it foolish. Especially in the case of this particular woman.

George Marshall.

Never have I identified with a character more than with George Marshall.

This identification, I admit, is dubious, considering that I can't really remember many specifics about the character at all. My only recollection is the deep sensation of knowing that I am him.

I do not mean this literally. Although, I shall proceed as if I do.

ON THE FIRST DAY:

Sometime, right around the Turn of the Century, it came to my attention that I was none other than George Marshall.

This is a very difficult sentence to phrase properly, so I ask that you please forgive my seeming redundancy. There is a very specific moment of revelation which I feel it is imperative for me to express from the get-go, if we are to have any hope of arriving at the same place, so to speak. Or rather, on the same page. Therefore I am impelled to try this sentence in a variety of forms and phrasings so as to make sure that the bases are covered, so to speak, and that whomever should chance to read this volume might have the greatest possibility of understanding the particular and peculiar realization that occurred to me on that fateful day.

The day of which I am speaking was the day that I realized that I was George Marshall, or, rather, if you please, George Marshall was me. I and George Marshall were one and the same. There are many reasons why this sudden revelation was rather shocking. For one, I never knew of George Marshall, prior to our defining first contact, and when we did encounter each other, very little was revealed. In fact, I didn't actually meet him, in the flesh, that is to say, in person, I merely read about him. The reading wasn't even an autobiographical account. It was fictionalized second-hand reporting, by a well-known exaggerator, who, in this particular case, was not inclined to go into much detail about the character which I have since spent my life trying to construct.

George Marshall isn't even his real name.

But alas, what's in a name?

There's the name you're given, of course, and then there's the name you give yourself. And sometimes they're the same and sometimes they're different. I wouldn't say that mine is an exceptional case. Not at all. I don't pride myself on being "radical" or think that it's anything out of the ordinary. Like all men, I see myself in the mirror in the morning and in my head I acknowledge that the image I see in the mirror is me. It isn't shocking, and it never has been. I may notice new things, but I have never had a startling revelation or alternate recognition whilst looking in the mirror. It has always been that I meet my own reflection in more or less the way that I expected I would. Without event.

It was very much the same when I became George Marshall. I merely recognized myself and accepted that fact as I accept the fact of my own face in the mirror. No use denying it, I know who I am. And perhaps there are moments when we surprise ourselves, with our behaviors and our capabilities, however, we usually know where we begin and end. There have been instances of religious experience (and chemically induced experiences) in which people have reported a sensation of not knowing where they began and ended. Regardless, the best I can do to explain it is that I instantly accepted the fact that I am George Marshall and I don't even remember that much about him, however, I plan to go back and investigate.

The fact that George Marshall and I were one and the same, indivisible, and united in the deepest sense, was not something that was readily apparent to the casual observer. I had no proof. All I had was the first instance of deep and unquestionable knowing with which my life had ever been graced. When I realized that George Marshall and I were one and the same, I realized that I had never realized anything before in all my life. I had thought that I had known many things; however, upon knowing the first thing that I had ever truly known, I then knew that I had never known anything. Again, this is a difficult and specific moment of realization to phrase. This is a peculiar experience which I would love to go into great elaboration upon, because it is a pleasure and an intense delight to recall those feelings of the first knowing. However, time is of the essence, and I must stick to the point.

The point is, in that moment, I knew, for the first time, something, and that something was that George Marshall and I were one and the same. In that instant I felt timeless, boundless, infinite and always. Not only was I George Marshall; George Marshall was also I. He was born again in me and was able to witness himself. In me, as me, George Marshall was restored to life. Reborn. It sounds much more mystical than it was, and yet, no words can properly give glory to the holiness of the situation. It was the stuff that science fiction novels are based on; of which religious literature speaks.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Happy Holy Days

In case you were wondering, somewhere in the back of your mind, in the midst of all the Holiday madness, what I, Juli Crockett, was reading this week.... Well, I'll tell you!

I'm finishing Henry Miller's SEXUS, of the Rosy Crucifixion trilogy (Sexus, Plexus, Nexus) which I began on the Thursday after my 33rd birthday (the book starts on a Thursday, as Miller nears 33) and then abandoned it when I started reading more "serious philosophical texts" that had "more to do" with my dissertation.

However, seeing as Henry Miller is the inspiration for so very very much in this life of mine, I thought I'd get back on track with my personal development as an artist and writer (along with the philosopher, singer, songwriter, playwright, director, minister, et all and finish the intended re-read of this trilogy during this, my 33rd year, so that I may suckle all the wisdom and inspiration from the sensuous spiritual teat of dear Mister Miller.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Physician, heal thyself!

Reading William Stafford's Writing the Australian Crawl (which I'm feeling pretty optimistic about finishing this week!) is reminding me that I'm a big fan of good books about the creative process. I love it when artist's write about their routines, random thoughts, inner life, personal pen preferences and relationship to solitude. It makes me feel in good company with "my people" to read these texts, and I always find them INSANELY inspirational... no matter how cheesy they might be. I'm a utter sucker for the creative process.

One of my all-time favorites is Agnes Martin: Writings. For me, her insights into what it is to be an artist are as profound and deep as any philosophy book I've read. And she's incredibly CLEAR, which is such a gift. Maybe it's the intense passion for minimalism that has helped her to become so friggin' eloquent.

Heck, I even love The Artist's Way and a wild and wide range of straight up self-help-ish literature. The intention behind it all (other than the profit motive part) is beautiful: unlocking all the latent creative energy in the "common man", removing whatever trash is holding folks back, and working to create a world full of happy, expressive, creatively stimulated & stimulating communicative human BEINGS who not only participate in their world but help consciously CREATE it and make it BEAUTIFUL. Amen.

I recently read David Lynch's Catching the Big Fish: Meditation, Consciousness, and Creativity which was utterly BOSS. Not only do I love him and his films, this book totally made me love his process and the potential of my OWN process. It was one in a series of events that inspired me to take a big 'ol leap into the void and learn Transcendental Meditation. Hell yeah. As of 11am this morning, the adventure hath commenced. This shizz is ON, nickels! :-)

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

lowering your standards

Alright, I admit it. I haven't finished my book this week (Nietzsche, The Anti-Christ). Heck, I haven't even finished the FIRST week's book (Philosophy for Dummies)... however, that doesn't keep me from keeping up with the schedule. Tonight I begin another one, and continue along reading all THREE books simultaneously. Actually, make that FOUR books... because this week is a double-header.

READING is not the only thing I need to do in order to complete my doctorate. Alas, I need to WRITE a dissertation. So, this week I'm reading "Writing the Australian Crawl" by William Stafford, whose very last poem (written on the day he died) I happened to read today.

The book was recommended to me by Evangenitals drummer David Hurlin, who writes the incredibly awesome and zen-spirational "Drum Theory and Revelation" blog -- which, if you aren't following it, expounds upon topics and tangents that are useful and accessible to every kind of artist/human/being. Meaning: it's not just for drummers... or rather, it's for the drummer in us all, as all of our heart's beat beat beat. :-)

One of the key suggestions, as I understand it, that Stafford has for writers is to LOWER YOUR STANDARDS so that you can just friggin' WRITE. Give yourself permission to write BADLY. Terrible. Pathetic. Lame. Whiney. Ridiculous. Lies. Poppycock and balderdash and flim flam and humbuggery. Just WRITE.

I have often wondered where this sense comes from that I, somehow, am supposed to be perfect. That there is such a THING, though I have never seen nor experienced it, as PERFECTION. That I could ACHEIVE perfection, if only I had the right atmosphere, writing paper, routine, desk, funds in the bank, diet, focus, amount of sleep, pen, typewriter, musical accompaniment, education, will power, discipline, IDEA!

For the some philosophers, this SENSE that we have for the possibility of perfection was the grounds for belief in another reality, where things actually EXIST in their "ideal state"... whereas this world we're living in is but an illusion. The flickering shadows on the wall of Plato's cave. For other philosophers, the paradox of perfection is that it is the greatest perfection is imperfection. Go figure. (Seriously, GO!)

I'm also re-reading the Ancient Secret of the Fountain of Youth this week because my shoulder hurts so bad I want to cut it off and I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeed to get wise and get regular with this incredible practice which was utterly rewarding on every friggin' level when I was doing it before I fell off the wagon. And, I want to refresh my memory to make sure I'm doing all the 5 Rites correctly. Accurately. Effectively. Perfectly. :-)

"Imperfection is beauty. Madness is genius. It's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring." (Marilyn Monroe)

Friday, December 12, 2008

Toilet Books

I know that for some folks (especially the poets and authors themselves) it's considered a sacrilege to read on the toilet. Busy-body and multi-tasker that I am, however, I find bathroom time to be much-needed PRIME time for MORE READING!!

In fact, the first time I read Moby-Dick: or, The Whale, it was almost entirely accomplished, cover-to-cover, in the bathroom. Now, before you start cracking any jokes about my bowel movements, please know that much of that was done in the bath tub! I count tub time as "bathroom time" as well.

Right now I'm slowly working my way through The Counterlife by Philip Roth during my time in the privy. Somehow I think he'd dig it that I'm experiencing it that way. :-)

I do not, however, count my "bathroom books" among my "One Book : One Week" books, so don't feel cheated. I am still on task.

This week's read is The Antichrist by Friedrich Nietzsche, that bad ass philosopher with a hammer and nails to spare. Yee-haw. I'll have more to say on that tomorrow. Today, I'm contemplating Zionist Jews upon my porcelain throne thanks to Nathan Zuckerman.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Skinny Books

There are few things that I find so utterly satisfying as reading a good book from cover to cover. Heck, even reading a not-so-good book in its entirety brings a sense of accomplishment that I enjoy.

I'll admit, for me, it's sometimes a feeling akin to another notch on the cerebral bedpost. I enjoy walking into another man's library, checking out his collection, and then pointing out certain titles and saying, "Oh yeah, I read that one. It was good."

So, when I'm in need of that special feeling of completion and don't have a lot of time to give, I turn to the skinny books. They're easy like that. :-)

When I went on the Road to Oprah tour with The 1 Second Film and the Evangenitals, all I took with me were skinny books. This was partially an attempt to pack light, as well as a desire for different readings depending on my variable moods, and I felt I was more likely to finish at least ONE skinny book in the midst of a crazy month-long tour.

On that trip, I had Howard Zinn's Just War, The Dreaded Comparison: Human and Animal Slavery, Jean Luc Nancy's Hegel: The Restlessness of the Negative, as well as Nancy's The Muses.

I said they were skinny books... I didn't say they were light. For a less life-shattering skinny read, I'd recommend Henry Miller's The Smile At The Foot Of The Ladderor any of the short stories in JD Salinger's Nine Stories. Though, those are both pretty f*ck'd up in their own way. I'm pretty sure anyone else out there who has read "A Perfect Day For Bananafish" is with me on this. Right?

I only finished 2 of the 4 books out there on the road (Just War & The Dreaded Comparison), however, I was pretty friggin' stoked to have finished TWO BOOKS during our band's FIRST MAJOR TOUR! Not bad. Not bad at all.

FirstDate

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Word of The Mouth

I love it when people recommend books and music to me. It opens up new worlds and associations that I may not stumble upon by my lonesome, and it also gives me insight into what other folks are into, which is fascinating. For example, I have discovered so much awesome music from folks who came to an Evangenitals show and then rattled off a list of bands that they feel our music in some way is akin to. That's how I found out about Freakwater, Fear, Silverjews, Lavender Diamond, and so much other good stuff.

So, now that I've started this blog, the book recommendations are starting to trickle in, which is SUPER exciting! (Not that I don't already have enough to read! Sheesh!) I am, however, a great believer in "god speaking through other people" and following the wild and winding river of whateversoever shows up in your path to guide you. "SAY YES TO LIFE!" That's my (occasional) motto. Along with "FOLLOW YOUR BLISS!" and "GIRD YOUR LOINS FOR THE RECKONING!" :-)

I will always be eternally grateful to photographer John Fitzpatrick for turning me on to Bulgakov's The Master and Margaritaand Heart of a Dog. Composer Jeremy Zuckerman for sending me Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Costume Designer Irina Kruzhilina for giving me Murakami's The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle. Actor Michael Blackman for bestowing the curse of Kipling's The Light That Failedupon me.

And now, the ridiculously talented and awesome composer and musician Kubilay Uner has hipped me to the writings of Luciano De Crescenzo. I very much want to get down with his two books on classic Greek philosopher's, however, it's gonna be a little tricky to find them in English. If anyone has any leads, please let me know! :-)

Kubi also suggested that I read Bertrand Russell's History of Western Philosophysince I'm on the overview tip. I've been wanting to get down with Russell ever since reading about the love/hate relationship he had with Wittgenstein in the ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE Wittgenstein biography by Ray Monk Ludwig Wittgenstein: The Duty of Genius(given to me by jazz saxophonist Masahiro during my NYU days). Of course, after having such an amazing experience reading THAT biography, I really think I need to add Monk's biography of Bertrand Russell (in two parts: The Spirit of Solitude and The Ghost of Madness) to the list, too. :-)

Words, words, words... Lord, help me. :-)

Friday, December 5, 2008

Book This Week: December 1st - 7th 2008

It's almost embarrassing to admit this, but what the heck...

The book I'm reading this week is Philosophy for Dummies by Tom Morris, PhD (author of "If Aristotle Ran General Motors") :-)

It might seem ridiculous for a PhD student in Philosophy to be reading such a book; I gotta admit, though, I am friggin' loving it! I came to Philosophy via experimental theater & playwrighting with absolutely no formal background in Philosophy proper. I've never taken an "intro to philosophy" class, and my reading of philosophy books has not been comprehensive in any way. I follow my whims, love the passionate guys, steer clear of the dry and boring stuff, and make no claims of being an expert on the topic at all. So, a clear, concise, funny overview of the ENTIRE HISTORY OF PHILOSOPHY is a very welcome trip for my brain.

Also, one of my great objectives with my dissertation is to write something PROFOUND (of course) yet also PROFOUNDLY SIMPLE. It is my belief that the truth can be explained to a 5 year old, and that it doesn't require high-fallutin' lingo and an in-depth knowledge of Heideggerand Kantto be able to get the gist of the meaning of life.

So, thank you Tom Morris for being one smart mofo who knows how to lay it out simple. :-)

The Plan: One Book, One Week

So, here's the idea:

I have a dissertation to write for my PhD in the Philosophy of Media and Communication at the European Graduate School in Saas-Fee, Switzerland and in order to do this with any degree of thoroughness, there are a TON of books that I need to read to really get in deep and grapple with my topic. So, I'm going to read one book every week... for a year. At least.

And what, you might be wondering, is my topic? NOTHING. That's right... not "nothingness"... I'm talking about straight up unadulterated NOTHING. I'm sure I'll be explaining more about that as I get on with the reading, research, and writing.

Attempting to read at least one book a week, considering some of the heavy-duty works that I'm looking to dig in to (like Deleuze's A Thousand Plateaus, Sartre's Being and Nothingness, Jean Luc Nancy's Being Singular Plural, Badiou's Being and Event, Simone Weil's The Need for Roots, etc) is, I'm expecting, a formula for mild-to-severe insanity. That's kinda what I'm hoping for. Jamming all that exposition of ideas in my body and soul should break me... and that's exactly what I'm looking for: a breakthrough. A new thought. Nothing less. :-)

I've been warming up to this One Book/One Week pace already. In the past few weeks I've read Rollo May's The Courage to Create, Peter Brook's The Empty Space, and Murakami's What I Talk About When I Talk About Running. Okay, the Murakami book was more just for fun... and for some writer's inspiration. Clearly those books are more on the "light" and "skinny" side, especially when laid next to something like Kierkegaard's Either/Or or Nietzsche's The Will to Power. Obviously the big, bad bastards are gonna require that I pick a week when I don't have any Evangenitals or Cash'd Out shows and can really just give over to immobility, bed sores and voracious reading.

A VORACIOUS READER. It is something I have always wanted to be, and I'm really excited to have finally backed myself into a corner that gives me no other choice but to become that which I've always wanted to be.

Of course, there is ALWAYS a choice... :-)